metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fat Girls My first husband had a sister, Sarah Lee (name kinda changed), and so my first sister-in-law was Sarah. She was about my age and funny. When I met her, she was living in the family mountain cabin near Big Bear Lake, a little resort town a couple of hours from Los Angeles. She was living there with her mother. The family had gone through some bad financial times, sold the family home and moved to their cabin while father was a long-haul trucker to make money. He came home every couple of weeks or so to rest up and then took off again on another �run�. I saw the toll on his body. Long-haul trucking is not an easy career. This is about Sarah, though. She was overweight. She had a beautiful face, hazel eyes and long, thick black hair. As I said, she was funny and bright and laughed a lot. She and her mother were very close, and they did needlework together to pass the time. Sherry was lonely. Somehow she met a cowboy named Rhett (name changed) and got pregnant. He did the �right� thing and married her, but the marriage dissolved soon after, and Sarah continued to live with her mom and raise her son. Mom and Dad divorced soon after that, and it was just mother and daughter at that point. They moved down to LA. Sarah was lonely and couldn�t meet anyone. She began to scan the personal ads in various newspapers. This was in the early 1970�s so no computer dating� She came across an ad that ran something like this: SWM, gentle, well-to-do mature man seeking zaftig swf So she answered the ad. My husband and I tried to discourage her because it just sounded kind of whack, but she was going for it. Here is what she told us about the date: She met the guy at a restaurant. He was good looking and drove a new Mercedes. They chatted and had a great meal, he then invited her back to his place for a drink. She accepted and he drove her to his house. She said it was a big house in Bel Air (next to Beverly Hills and more exclusive, really) and they went inside. He took her into the study, dark paneling and well decorated, excused himself and locked the door behind him. He was gone a long time and she started getting scared. She tried the door � still locked. She said it was a huge thick wooden double door and she couldn�t budge it, which is impressive since she had to weigh at least 250. She started to get even more panicky. She said she was in that room for almost 2 hours. She was yelling and screaming and crying and beating on the door. Still, he did not return. She finally climbed out the window and got to a pay phone after walking for an hour and called her mom. She couldn�t remember how to get back to his house. I told her she was lucky to be alive. The fear in her face was real, and I know she felt the same way. I figured that this whole imprisonment of fat girls was this guys �thing� and he probably has surveillance cameras or a peep hole to watch her panicking as he masturbated. Just a theory. I remembered this incident because I have been thinking about girls who are fat, lately; wondering about them and caring for them and their pain and loneliness. The things they do to assuage their feeling of isolation and loneliness � the trade offs; each one eroding their self worth to the point they feel �worthy� less and less often, until what? Loneliness: Everyone is ultimately lonely. We all have an inner knowing that we exist alone in this world. We enjoy companionship and friendship with others, but when we die � the ultimate definer on this earth � we die alone, even if we are surrounded by friends and family, we are the one dying. We are the one doing it, and doing it alone. We meet our maker, naked and alone � this is the knowledge we carry in our hearts and in our souls. It is the knowledge we can not shake, but try to cover up and avoid. I am in tune with my ultimate loneliness, I nestle in its cold embrace often. I think it is why I sympathize and empathize with the pain others feel when they are lonely. I want to tell them comfort comes from within. I want them to know that being alone and being lonely are part of living. It is a place that exists in each of us � that ultimate loneliness. There is another kind of lonely � an isolated personal type. The one where you feel like no one understands you or sees your experience of things; the one where you doggedly live your life in spite of everyone disapproving or misunderstanding or not understanding at all what you are doing. Most people live with this loneliness their entire lives, just accepting that no one will ever understand; that they can be loved and cherished but never understood. Then, sometimes, very lucky people find another soul that understands; that mirrors them and fills that lonely spot perfectly and completely. Once that place is filled, it is never empty again. Then, they are never alone or lonely ever again, ever. The heart can say, �I am understood.� I have lost track of Sarah Lee. I pray she found someone to fill her loneliness and bring joy to her life. That is my prayer for all the �fatties� � not to lose weight, but to feel worthy and be loved completely. 11:45 a.m. - 2006-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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