metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The heart must sleep sometime... For a person who loves words as much as I do, they fail me in the face of overwhelming circumstances - death, love, loss. How many words do you think it will take me to describe the death of part of my heart and the loss of love...? That's right. -0- I have no words. I am chock full of emotion or rather I am full of the feeling of emptiness. I am full of emptiness. I am the fucking yin and yang of full and empty. I am empty of any fullness and full of all emptiness. Swinging from pole to pole: a thought of him and the sun appears, I swing back to reality and the cold, clammy darkness enfolds. Viewing my life from about 15 feet above myself, that is how I am living now. I'm there, I'm charming, I'm functioning. But I, the "I" of me, I am hovering above, just watching, dispassionately watching. "I" am elsewhere... although these days I'm not sure where... an ethereal nowhere? I know it will subside, the aching, the yearning, the blistering pain. I know it will subside. I know. It will. Subside. Perhaps if I write it enough, I will begin to believe it. My brain knows it is true, but my heart...; my heart has become a ninja warrior on crack, it has been ruling the roost for almost 5 months and is now throwing one hell of a temper tantrum. It will listen to no one, nothing will calm it. It is a rampaging wildfire of pain, lashing out at anything that tries to assuage its scalding, ever-present pain. The pain it now clings to and nurtures as it once nurtured the promise of infinite happiness, unmired by the tar-pit reality of human existence. My heart that is now trashing the entire inside of my body, refusing to beat, twisting and wrenching inside my chest, falling into my stomach - a cold hard stone... I'm trying to wait it out... Perhaps it will get tired and take a nap and give me a little rest... the heart must sleep sometime, mustn't it? The heart must sleep sometime, and when it does I will carry it back to bed and tuck it in with a kiss and lock the fucking cage wrapped with a thousand chains and locks so it can never trash the place again. 10:06 a.m. - 2006-01-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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