metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Girl Friends "I only have men friends. Women friends are no good, they are back stabbing and you can never trust them.", my mother said. And so, like a little parrot, did I. I believed it and lived it and thought how rebellious it was and unordinary. Perfect for me, as I was a rebel and unordinary, so I thought. What it really was was a lonely choice. An idiotic premise that I found in later years to be totally false for me. I should have made girl friends. I should have built a support system. I should have been encouraged to do so. I remember as a young adult, probably 19 or so, I was speaking to an older woman, probably 40-ish, and blabbing about how my best friends were men and I thought men were more true and simple and I said, "Men are just so sweet." Then, this lovely, wonderful woman said, dripping with a sarcasm I wish I could recreate, "Yes. The little dears." While saying this perfect retort, she looked at me like I was the silliest, dumbest and most pathetic child she had ever seen. There was a sympathy in her eyes for a girl who would, if not soon then someday, learn that men were fucking animals and the only reason they were sweet to me was that I was a cute 19 year old girl who was naive while thinking she was sophisticated - a perfect mark. Gah. I had boys in high school who were friends. But, looking back they were only my friends because they wanted to be my - BOYFRIEND! Ah well. I was just sitting here wishing I could relate to humanity and feeling sad because I have no girlfriends and even if I did, would I know how to be a good girlfriend back? Would I know how to act or what to say or how to be? Probably not. Would I be able to relate to humanity? Who knows? I am envious of women who have had friends since high school. Who see them and talk to them and have that connection. I had a best friend in elementary school, so I guess I had a girlfriend at that time. It was only later, after puberty and all its wretched ravaging of my psyche that I no longer had girl friends. Aw, fuck. Whatever. I probably would not want to put forth the effort to sustain a relationship. This is more than likely. I did not watch the president last night. I can not watch him, it depresses me. And angers me. And frustrates me. There is nothing I can do. We are at war and people are dying for what - I don't know. If this were Civilization III, as a citizen I would be an "unhappy worker" because of war weariness. Civil unrest in Rome....we need a jester! Son is marrying in 1 month. I hope they are happy and can sustain and nurture their relationship and stay happy together, forever. That is my wish and my prayer. 9:17 a.m. - 2004-04-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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