metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disappointment When you get older, things begin to grow on you. Little keloid-type things, moles, bumps and lumps, hairs and spots. Each morning I wake and find something new, something sagging or another spot. It is both intriguing and ghastly. I never really expected it and it is beyond annoying. I could go to the dermatologist every day and never get rid of everything. Such a sad situation. I am learning to deal with it, though. In fact, the reality is beginning to �grow on me�. Heh I had a thought the other day as I was shopping in a discount store. I thought, �My mother is probably still disappointed in me, even in death.� She never shopped at discount stores. Ever. She said their stuff was �cheap�. Well, yeah. She always said she only shopped at exclusive stores where no one else would be wearing what she was wearing. Uh huh. So she only bought me clothes from those kind of places. So that when I got older, a department store was like a dream to me. I loved department stores. We rarely shopped there. She said their stuff was mass produced. Uh, OK. Then she wondered why we never shopped and laughed and talked like other moms and daughters. I bore the brunt of that disappointment, and wear it to this day. I clothe myself in my shortcomings and bathe in my mothers disappointment that our relationship was not what she wanted it to be. As an adult, I know that the onus of making the relationship what it was or could be was more on the parent rather than the child. But as a child, I took it and wore it like a heavy overcoat because my mother gave it to me to wear. Reading how I write about my mother, I would almost think she was a shrew. But she loved me and did the very best she could for me. I love her and miss her and wish she were still around, even though she was a pain in the ass and we couldn�t spend more than 3 or 4 days together without me wanting to kill her. Everyone loved her. Everyone thought she was the greatest. My son and my niece and nephews all miss her terribly and to them she was the best grandmother � ever. So, I really have no one, other than K, to talk to about my mixed feelings about her. Whenever I say anything close to negative about her, I am rebuffed and judged and they take her side � even dead they like her more than me. Hah! She WAS a better grandmother than a mother. She was just so judgmental and manipulative. The sad part is, I wanted the same kind of relationship with her as she wanted with me. Neither of us knew how to get there, though. Part of me thinks that if she were alive today, we would have had more of the relationship we both wanted. I feel I could have made the adjustments and brought it around, with my older perspective. Or maybe, not. Maybe she would have driven me crazy after 3 or 4 days and I would just say, fuck it. She never bought off-brand at the grocery store either. Gah! There is always a twinge of guilt when I open a store brand can of green beans! heh All of the above is moot. She is dead and I am learning to deal with it and identify myself. I continue to evolve. It�s just that I had this thought � She is probably still disappointed in me. 8:51 a.m. - 2004-01-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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