metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hydrogenated Oil Soapbox: Hydrogenated Oil is the bane of my, and everyone�s, existence. It is in everything and everywhere. It is pervasive and pernicious and, I believe, the basic reason for obesity in this country. If you want to lose weight, be healthier, lower your cholesterol, the best thing you can do for yourself is to eliminate hydrogenated oil. If that is the only thing you do, it will make a significant difference. This is horrible stuff, worse than butter! That�s all I have to say. It is just bad. Just say no to hydrogenated (or partially hydrogenated) oils. Quick Party Tip: If you are trapped at a party by a very boring person, just say this: �I find that fascinating would you excuse me?� Then, just walk away � don�t look back. You can not leave a break in between fascinating and would; it must run together because the person will begin to be more �fascinating� after you tell them you find what they are talking about fascinating. So just say it and git! In other news, I have delusions of grandeur. At least, that is what I think I have. Or maybe just inflated self-importance. Something like that. I have that. When my niece and nephews were small, they looked up to me and I was a touchstone of sorts for them. I liked that role. I like being the wise woman, the omniscient one. I like to think I can �fix� peoples lives and help them. I�m a little goddamned helper. What a joke. But, my family likes to tell other people how to live their lives. That is one of the things I always hated about my family. Their lives were always so fucked up, but they talked about other people and how they should be more like us. And now, I find myself doing the same thing. Oh, you should do this. Oh, you should do that. Fuck me. What the hell do I know? Besides, it�s their life. Let them live it. Sneh. My niece, about whom I have been internally fussing, was a bit standoffish on the phone yesterday. Supposedly I have worked through this relationship with her, discarding the ancient hope of sisterly love and reconciling to the fact that she only calls me when she needs something and I do most of the caring in the relationship. And, looking back, that is the type of relationship that I nurtured and supported all these years, so what am I complaining about? It�s a lot my fault. But, anyway, I called her yesterday, which in itself is unusual because I never call anybody. I let them call me. I don�t know why I have this thing about calling people. Maybe I�m afraid they won�t remember who I am or something. Heh. So she was less than communicative yesterday. Which is fine because she was sick and taken aback that I called and all that crap. See? I am still making excuses for her. Anyway, I guess the process of pulling back is not one that will happen overnight. I guess the process of changing the way I interact and respond to her needs, and mine, is evolutionary and even perhaps ongoing and will never have a point where it is finally and clearly defined. The fact that I am even giving it this much energy pisses me off at myself. But, writing about it is good for me and is helping me see just how full of bullshit I am. I called her yesterday to see what her daughter would like for Christmas, because I have to get it in the mail by next week. I also asked what she and her husband would like. I told K last night, and he said, �And did she ask you what WE would like for Christmas?� because he has an issue with the fact I buy and send my family presents and we never get anything in return. But, my philosophy about gifts is � it�s a GIFT. I give it because I want to give, not so I will get anything. He makes a good point, though. These �kids� are all grown up now � late 30�s and early 40�s � and it would be nice to get a gift or a card from them from time to time. I am still playing the role of Auntie Metanoia. I like that role. I see myself as venerable, old and elegant. The reality is 180 degrees from that. Who am I? Why doesn�t anyone understand me? Probably because I don�t understand myself. Maybe I just need another 50 years to find out. heh 8:47 a.m. - 2003-12-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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