metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Death, Rape Why do people who want to live, die while people who try to die, keep living? I am sure this question has been posed before, and possibly even by me. But it keeps me wondering and perplexed. The ones who want to live do everything it takes to survive and prosper, and death greets them at the door. To the ones who continue self-destructive behavior, death remains elusive, although sneaking peeks around the corner. The reason I am wondering these things today is two-fold. A kind, generous and thoughtful fellow diarist passed on two days ago. I never read his diary, but have since read several entries. I am sorry I missed the joy of knowin it over time. It was apparent in his writing that he loved life and people. He reached out to comfort others who were in pain and sadness. His own pain is evident in his writing, but it lacks the maudlin self-serving whining it could have become. Perhaps this is because his writing was genuine and directly from the heart. Truth is beautiful, to me, even if it seems ugly on the exterior, there is an intrinsic clean spirit at its heart, its core. Give me truth any day, I�ll deal with it! My nephew, D, on the other hand, is beginning to drink again. He was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis last year and almost died. He was sick for many months and in and out of hospital vomiting blood and generally on his way to check out time. We spoke often during his illness. His father (my brother) died while he was in the grips of the worst of it. I feared he would begin drinking again at that time to assuage the sadness of his father�s death. He did not. I found this to be encouraging, while still knowing that he should be involved in major alcoholic counseling. He does not believe he is an alcoholic. This is a huge stumbling block in the way of his recovery. And now, he is drinking again. Sometimes when he calls me, his speech is slurred. I have been writing it off to the brain damage that occurred during his illness, but now realize that more than likely he had been drinking when he called. My father was like that, too, when he drank. He would get all sentimental and want to call all his family. Then, as the alcohol wore on he became sullen, surly and abusive. I think D is like this as well. His wife was raped about 2 weeks ago. This has thrown him into a tailspin. I am sure he is drinking now, and he has called me several times since the incident to talk and vent. I encouraged them both to take advantage of any rape counseling programs in their area. He said they only wanted to counsel the victim, but he felt like a victim too, and that is true. The entire family is affected when this occurs. I told him many churches have pastors who are schooled in counseling and he might seek them out. That was the last time I spoke with him. Then, the calls stopped. His sister called me and told me he left her a message at 3 am the previous night and she was very concerned. She knows he was drinking and had no idea where he was or what was going on with him (was he dead? In hospital?). She finally connected with his wife who had an interesting tale to tell. It seems his wife, S, is having morning sickness now. She believes that she was impregnated by the rapist, less than two weeks ago. She says D has started drinking again and he is verbally abusive to her and that is why she just took off for a walk at midnight and got raped. She is 20. My nephew D is 41. He met her on a chat line. Some other guy she was also chatting with sent her a ticket to come visit. The other guy lived in the same town as D, so she used the ticket to come out and see D and blew the other guy off. My niece, J, finally got in touch with her bother D and got some more interesting background from him. It seems he and S have not had sex since March, until the night after she was raped. She came on to him like gangbusters that night and they had sex. She will not talk to him, now. I do not know if this is normal behavior for someone who has been raped. (I still want to give the girl the benefit of the doubt just because on the outside chance she really was raped, she needs support not judgment.) He said he suspects she has been seeing this other guy she met on the chat line at the same time she met D. Evidently she didn�t exactly blow the other guy off� exactly. Anyway, this is what he suspects, and by her behavior before the rape, it is probably accurate. On the other hand, it all seems a little flaky to me. I am inclined to think that she has been seeing someone else. I think she may be pregnant and staged a rape to try to hide the fact that she has been fucking around and got pregnant by the fucker or fuckee. Whatever. So it is so clear to me. D will keep drinking until he dies. I do not know if he has it in him to survive this whole scenario he has going on in his life. He has dodged the bullet and eluded death so many times, not even giving death or life the respect it deserves, and kind hearted helping souls like Chrome lose their lives while wanting to live and contribute. Life is not fair. Life, perhaps, has no meaning in and of itself. The way we live and love each moment is what gives our life it�s only meaning, the shape of our destiny. Onward to the ultimate ending we all share. 11:29 a.m. - 2003-09-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||