metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time and a little antibiotics "I am enanoured of my diary." -Sir Walter Scott Me too. I am enamoured of my diary as well. I love it. It is me. It is parts of me I didn't really know existed, or if I did know I ignored those parts. Sometimes I feel things I am not proud of, but I feel compelled to write them. My diary helps me confront things. It helps me confront myself in all my glory(?). I love my diary and I want to spruce it up. Make it look and sound better like all the other diaries I read. Maybe a little lamp over in the corner with a beaded shade - red to cast a rosy glow over all my lovely thoughts. A nice little hand braided rag rug over there and a comfy rocker. All that would be easier than the writing, which at times I must admit I avoid. It is not the mechanical part of the writing I avoid. It is the introspection that is required that frightens me and causes me to not write. Really, it is at those time when I should push through it and confront and think and ask and answer truthfully. My brother once told me to know myself was the most important thing in the world. I asked him how? I asked, "How do I know myself?" He said whenever you want to do something or you do something, ask yourself "Why?" and then -this is the hard part - answer truthfully. It does work. I just sometimes don't answer truthfully. Hmmmm. I have my mother's stove. It is an old (1940's) O'Keefe and Merritt stove with a Grillevator. Love that Grillevator! When I moved out to the country I had it rejetted to accept propane. It's a swell stove. I love it. Except in the summertime. In the summertime I turn the gas off to my stove and use the grill for most of my cooking. It gets HOT and stays HOT with just the pilots on. It will warm my whole kitchen and make the central air work overtime. I guess it sounds weird but I just shut the thing down in the summer. It is a joy in winter, radiating heat with a soup bubbling on top and bread baking inside. It is like a big hug to come in from a frosty winter and my stove, she is sitting there with a warm smile and warm soup. But in summer she is like a hot slap in the face, so grill has a little burner outside and it's just husband and me and it works for us. So sister-in-law wants to cook her famous baked beans AND her famous macaroni and cheese for 4th of July. I was thinking more along the lines of cold food and burgers and dogs on the grill. But she wanted to share and contribute and I wanted her to feel comfortable and "at home" so - sure, I'll just turn the stove on for 4 hours in the middle of the hottest time of the year. No problem. And I really meant that. But I still resented it. But at that point I had relinquished all participation in my life and was sick and just counting the hours until they would leave. I keep wondering how it all degenerated. I know a big part of my stress was husband. He was all zinged out the whole time they were here and much of my energy was toward him to calm him and try to keep him happy or at least not outright antagonistic. He did not want to go to Stone Mountain. I knew he did not. Then all of a sudden his sister did not want to go either. I found out later he had talked her out of it and I am still a little angry at him for doing that. Pouty assed little baby. Of course I enable him, but not alot. I should have just insisted we go to Stone Mountain. I shoulda, woulda, coulda. Blah, blah, blah. Someday this whole vacation will be but a blurry memory - after countless hours and millions of dollars in psychotherapy, maybe. Today I feel even better. I feel like I have awakened from a deep sleep. It was all a dream and some things are just misty partial memories. I'm even looking forward to cleaning my kitchen. Reclaiming a part of myself. Setting new goals. I feel reborn with a world of possibilities open to me. Ah, what time and a little antibiotics won't do! 8:28 a.m. - 2003-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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