metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Invisibility Why do I avoid my past? Why, when I look at old home movies, do I feel such a depth of embarrassment and sadness for the little girl I was? I just do not know. Maybe living with an alcoholic father and witnessing HUGE fights as a child. I wanted to believe in magic. I wanted to become truly invisible. I looked for invisibility spells (I found one that called for a fresh human skull into which you put beans in the eyes, nose and mouth then you bury it and when the beans sprout, you eat them and become invisible. I relayed that info to my mother and I can still see my mothers face - aghast and appalled - this was almost as good as being invisible). I hid in my closet. I thought I could talk to my cats and called myself the queen of cats. I thought my family was injecting me with something while I slept that would make me like them and I dreaded becoming like them. I wanted to be invisible. I did not want attention. I despised my parents when we had company and they trotted me out like some prize horse and then put me back in the stable. When I was very young, I think I derived a pleasure from doing this because I wanted their approval. But when I was about 8 or 9 I changed from enjoying this thing that they did with me (come out and play the piano for our guests, put your new dress on and show them how pretty you look, etc.) to being repulsed and angered by it. Eventually, I believe I did become invisible. People do not remember meeting me. People do not remember me at all. If I approach someone I recognize and say hello, it is rare that they know who I am. I am met with that blank stare while their brain furiously searches trying to place me, a long awkward silence, then I explain how I know them. Even then, sometimes, they do not remember me. Because of this I do not approach people very often, for fear of not being remembered. I have made efforts, from time to time, to overcome this fear but I have never sustained the effort. I�m not sure what I feel when this happens: embarrassment, rejection, humiliation? Yes, all those things. But it is not their fault, because somewhere along the line I made myself invisible. I can enter a room full of people and not be noticed, and that is the way I planned it. I wanted to be able to slip in and slip out unnoticed, or barely so. I don�t necessarily want to be this way anymore. I kind of want to make an entrance, be noticed, interact with people and be remembered as the witty, funny, caring and nice person I am. At least, I think that is what I want. The thought of doing that make me feel very fearful. Like, drive a nail in my sinus cavity every 30 seconds for a year and I would not fear it as much as being noticed. WTF? 8:56 a.m. - 2003-05-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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