metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A place for me I told my son I had a web diary. He said he was happy that I did. It was not the reaction I would have expected, but I don�t know what reaction I was expecting. I don�t know that I expected any reaction or opinion at all. He said he always thought I felt like I did not have a place of my own - something about me and for me, only. He said he was glad I finally had this place, to vent or whatever. This observation took me aback. Is he correct? Do I, did I, feel that way? What is it about other people�s observations of me? Where do they get that one piece of insight about me: that particular insight that I lack? Why can they see it, and I cannot? Do I purposely obscure it? I must assume that I do obscure parts and pieces of me. What are the parameters for obscuring? If it is something ugly I will have to deal with or accept about myself, well I think it could go on the �obscure it� list. If it is something I think is a �good� attribute, well then let it be. I�d be willing to bet this dialogue goes on within me, subconsciously and regularly. So, yes, now I have a place that is just for me and about me and it is helping me to examine and define �me�. This is a good place, and a good thing. I feel it, and it is good. I have decided that bemoaning and whining about my many childhood odd and obtuse dreams and aspirations is only marginally constructive. I may still do it from time to time but only randomly and briefly. If anything, it is just an extension of what I have been doing my entire life; that is, using reasons and examples of why I CAN�T accomplish certain things. This is such bullshit. It is part of my cop out raison d�etre. Yeah, there are things I wanted to do and with a family who supported and encouraged I may have accomplished them. But I didn�t have that family, and I didn�t have the personal drive to overcome their negative feedback and undermining of my self-esteem. So. Now that I am aware of that pearl of wisdom, now that I am an adult, what am I going to do about it? My plan is to reinforce myself and truly listen to myself and encourage myself to try things, and do things and if they do not work out I will not berate myself or denigrate myself or feel less worthy to try another thing or a different way. It is all good and it is all me and I owe no one but myself brutal loving honesty because I am not getting any younger and my days are numbered as are all our days and if I do anything at all before I die I want to become comfortable with myself in my world and be who I want to be, not who I think I SHOULD want to be; maybe that person is already who I am, but I want to know it and feel it and keep on living it. 11:29 a.m. - 2003-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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