metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shame I have not written in awhile, and I know why. Writing causes me to examine and remember and it is something I avoid. Why do I avoid looking at my life and things I do? Do I hate my own life so much I do not wish to look at it? Am I disappointed in it, am I ashamed? Maybe I feel like my little crap is not good enought to write about. I do have shame. I feel shame. I feel like I am not good enough, have not done enough, have not given enough, have not taken enough, have not tried enough. Enough of what? Enough of anything, anyone, any moment, any any. AT the same time, my life is full of blessings. Each day I poke and natter my way through the day; living small, appreciating the little things. Is this wrong? I take pleasure in the rain, in the sun, in the birds singing and warm light on my face. I recognize these things. Should I want more? Why do I feel, at times, like this is not enough? Part of me feels as though I should have done more with my life. Part of me feels like I have not fulfilled my potential. Part of me feels shame for not being motivated enough to do more and accomplish more in the world. Another part of me tells me that larger glory is not necessarily more fulfilling just because of its grander scale. Which one justifies my choices and which judges them with a clearer truth? I dunno. Sometimes I just feel less than I should be and other times I feel like I am just fine. Why do I feel like I should have accomplished more - like a cure for cancer or the meaning of life? Where I ever got that mandate, I do not know, but I would like to return it, please, and get my money back. If not my money back, then how about my life? This entry sounds like meandering ramblings. But sometimes it helps me to come around to a truth, a personal truth. Something that fits and feels good and right. I get something to hold on to. It seems to me today I have more questions than answers. That's ok. I think I will take a few minutes today and pray deeply. I always feel better when I do that. 11:35 a.m. - 2003-04-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||