metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you knew the real me.... I don�t feel like writing, and I wonder why. Is it because I have nothing to look at within myself? I think not. I feel like I am in a bubble and watching my life, through a convex glass, live itself. I am aghast and offended when some other body presses their face, distorted by my bubble, against the glass and says (much too loudly) �Is that you in there?� I don�t answer, hoping they will go away. I am not inclined to self-examination and do not want to be examined by another, either. I suppose I just want to be left alone. I think often of things to write about. I have written a list for just such an occasion as nothing to write about. I know I rag on about truth a lot. I know I believe it to be important. But then one gets into the whole �what is truth?� thing, and talk about an old saw. �Truth, what is it?� - there�s a topic that hasn�t ever been discussed. Ha! Time worn, just like I feel today and yesterday and perhaps the day before. I go on and on about my personal truth and trying to find it, when I, at the same time, spend a whole lot of energy trying to avoid it or change it to fit whatever truth I am looking for at the time. I am a master at rationalization. I can rationalize any lame-brained idiotic idea I may come up with and make myself believe it and worship it as the ultimate truth. Damn, I�m good. Of course, I know exactly what to tell myself to fool me so it�s not such a great feat. Convincing others is much harder, and frankly, I don�t try much of that. To hell with them anyway, I�m just misunderstood! If they knew the real me�. Ah what a wonderful phrase: if you knew the real me�. it brings back memories� (insert fading into the past memory music): One time I got a job with a smaller size company. I was the secretary to the president of the company. He seemed like a good guy and the people were nice there and so I was happy to get this job. About a week or so into the job, it was the prez�s birthday so the whole office was going to go out to lunch for the b-day celebration. Boss says, why don�t you ride with me? I say, sure. So we are on our way to the restaurant and he reaches over (small foreign two seater type car) and grabs the back of my head and pushes it in his lap. Well, folks, I pulled away and said, �What the fuck is that all about?� He says, �I think of you as more than a secretary.� I say, �Well, I don�t think of you as anything other than my boss.� We were the last to arrive at the restaurant and I had to sit next to him, all the while he was touching my knee, etc. What a jerk. So I went in the next day and quit. I walked into his office and said, �I�m quitting.� He looks up and said, �Why?� I said, �Because of what you did yesterday.� He said, �What? What did I do?� I said, �I think you know.� He said, �No, I don�t. Tell me.� Well, folks, I told him that he took my head and shoved it into his lap and he said� here it is � he said, �No way. I would never do that. If you knew the real me, you would know I could never do anything like that.� What? Hunh? If I knew the real him�. hmmmm� hello? You freak! I was there, too! To say the least, I was stunned. I was astounded that he would just deny it so blatantly. And looking back, it was pretty brilliant on his part. He never admitted anything even close to that happening and I could never prove anything. I just said, �Yeah, well I know you could and did and I�m quitting.� Then I left. I said goodbye to all the other peeps in the office and they said, �Yeah. He�s gone through 6 secretaries in the last 8 months.� Sheesh. They could have warned me, or something. I probably would have thought they were full of shit, but a little warning would have been a nice gesture. I only lasted about 3 weeks there. The others averaged 1-2 months. I guess I was a quick study. Or maybe the others believed him when he told them that he didn�t do anything and if they knew the REAL HIM�.. (insert back to the present moment music)So. If you knew the real me you would know that I could never mislead myself or rationalize away any misgivings about my actions. No. Not me. Not ever. 2:18 p.m. - 2003-04-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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