metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear Fear is your worst enemy. I have said that thousands of times to any and all who would listen. And thousands of times any and all who listened took my advice, confronted their fears and were the better for it. They thanked me profusely and thought I was very wise, indeed. Little do they know I am immobilized by my own little fears each and every day. Sometimes I push through them, but usually they face me down and I back off. Back to my safe little shithole. I am confronting them more frequently now, though. Writing them down helps me considerably. When my fear is written down it seems smaller and less significant. So, I am beginning to take my own advice about fear. I feel really good about it, but also really frightened. My fear of fear is still great. The old 'nothing to fear but fear, itself' is a mighty huge fearful fear. Fear, itself, is pretty damned frightening to me. My biggest fear is talking to people. Especially on the phone, but sometimes even face to face. I'm OK with people I know, to a certain extent. But, basically, human interaction holds a very deep rooted fear. I don't really know why I have this fear. I may look back and find out. Then maybe it would not hold such a power over me. I could dig down and pull it out by it's root, just like a weed. This fear thing started when I had to call one of my other credit card companies to transfer a balance from the evil credit card company that raised my rate to 23.99 percent! I put it off for a couple of days because I was just afraid to talk to the other credit card companies. I was afraid they wouldn't let me transfer the balance, or they would charge me more than 23.99, or they would say my hair looked really ratty today (it does), or fill in the damned blank. Now, I know this fear is so irrational. I get mail virtually EVERY DAY to transfer balances at 0%, etc. from a number of different card companies, blank checks at 0%, so to be afraid they wouldn't let me is just me. It's all just me. Me being crappy to me. Putting myself down, putting myself in a position of fear and self-loathing. Why do I do this? Why, why, why? Wah. My fear immobilized me and I paid evil credit card company 23.99 on my balance for 3 more days than I should have!Gah I woke up at 2 am last night to worry about what they would say to me and the reasons they would give me why they could not transfer this balance.... blah, blah, blah. So even though I know it is irrational, it is very real and hugh nonetheless. I am proud that I did call this morning and took care of this ugly matter. But I am sorry for my fearful not-good-enough feeling putting it off. I beat this fear this time, but I know it is still there waiting for the next time I have to call someone. I want to get to a point where when this particular fear calls me out, I immediately go out and say fuck off. I want to get to a point where this fear is afraid of me, and huddles in the corner, never to confront me again. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin about. 2:07 p.m. - 2003-04-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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