metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self examination Sometimes it is hard to write. The inherent imperative of writing - self examination and reflection - is at times too frightening and overwhelming. This is one of those days. Questions. Is it correct to avoid self examination because of the fear it would be too painful, or is this exactly the point which one should persevere and examine? Is this when the breakthrough to understanding comes? The epiphany? My life right now seems small and insignificant and will remain so until I die my pathetic little loney death. And don't think I reserve this negative view for myself and my own life. No. This is the view I have of everyone's life. Hell, life itself. I keep on going. Like the Energizer Bunny. Marching to what end? Along the way there are flashes of brilliance. Along the way, I forget this tinted view. I enjoy life and all it has to offer and forget the qustion, "to what end?". Perhaps the living is the point. The end is not an end, but a continuation - merely a change. Well, at least I wrote something, even though I don't feel like it. And deep inside I feel that is a good thing. We should push on through the fear and self-loathing and write, write, write. The writing seems to pull one through the fear, the fright of self-reflection. I have decided not to pursue my education through the one avenue I was contemplating. It is a private college and way, way too much money. I believe I can accomplish something closer to my heart and my vague goals by another route. So the dream of further education is there, but the settling for doing it for someone elses reasons is peeling away. It feels good. I am wary, but on this one point I can stand alone and feel less encumbered than I have in a verrrrrrrry loooooonnnnnnng time. So that is good, too. I am proud of my depressed ass today. 8:38 a.m. - 2003-04-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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