metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear Fairy I am so full of fear. I project this image of courage and truth, but inside I am all about fear. I am the fear bunny, santa fear and the fear fairy all rolled into one. I feel like I am not a true participant in my life. But what do I do? Avoid, deny, go through the motions. Now I am in a what's it all about alfie mood. This school thing has me so confused. I enjoy learning. But it is going to cost a whole shitload of money I don't have. And I wonder, then, what will be the reward? Perhaps there are other ways of approaching this right now. I have an appointment today to talk to someone about their program. Maybe after our talk, things will be a little clearer. That is my hope. Why do I even bother with this diary. What are my hopes with this thing? Well, for today my hopes are that it will make me be more honest. It will help me sort out the internal bullshit that fills me. It will make me a better writer. How could I ever write and still be hiding from my own truths? I envy so many diarists I read because they are honest about who they are - brutally so at times. While I am afraid to show who I am and how I feel. And why? Why should I fear? Because it is who I am. A bubbling cauldron of fear, a babbling cornered porcupine of fear. It is not a specific fear either. It is a vague, amorphous heavy cloud. It permeates me and makes me feel like a liar. Because to everyone I am a no nonsense, cut through the crap kind of girl. They assume I am that way with myself. But they are wrong. It seems so idiotic to be contemplating the question, "Who am I?" at this point in my life. And yet, if not now, when? Perhaps this time, I will really try to find out instead of avoiding and denying and cowering in fear of what I will find. 9:35 a.m. - 2003-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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