metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The family is receiving friends... I am going to a memorial reception (�the family is receiving friends this evening between 5 and 7 pm��) for a man I did not like. It will be a difficult situation for me. I have been praying about it (not enough) and thinking about whether or not I am a hypocrite for going, although I am going to support spouse, who wants to go. And, besides, so what? I�ll just go and lie about the guy one last time to make his family feel better, or something� Why do they have these things, anyway? Spouse thought highly of this guy - I thought lowly. How interesting that two people can have such different feelings about the same person. I suppose it lends credibility to that old crap about how we are not one dimensional beings and blah, blah, blah. So I guess I experienced him on one dimension and spouse experienced him on another. Of course, my opinion is the correct one. The guy was an ass. But his wife doesn�t think so, nor do his children, I suppose. I wonder how many other people will be there who did not like him? Maybe we can all sit together and talk about what an ass he was. I doubt he knew I didn�t like him. I wonder if he cared? Will someone be at my memorial reception who doesn�t like me? How could anyone not like me? I�ve asked myself that question often in my life. I think I�m pretty great, but I am surrounded by people who just don�t understand me� A woman I work with asked me, with tears in eyes, �Why don�t people like me?� I could relate, but I did not dare tell her my opinion about why people don�t like her � because then SHE would not like ME!! And, why do I care if people like me? Why do I want to be a beloved figure? Does this need to be liked or loved obscure who I �truly� am? I think it might. When we begin doing things not because we want to, but because of how others may perceive it, we are not being true to ourselves � our nature. And, truth is what it is all about now, isn�t it? Personal truth and defining what it is and holding on to it, while surviving in this world. It may be easier to be true to oneself if we were all hermits or recluses. I think that may be my ultimate goal in life � to be a recluse. Is that an acceptable goal? It is for me. In the meantime, I think I had better go pray a little more so I don�t cause a scene�. So, in retrospect, maybe this guy lived his life pretty truthfully - since I didn't like him and he didn't try to MAKE me like him... I'll go with that. It will make tonight a little easier on me and I may be a little better person for it. 4:01 p.m. - 2010-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||