metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That Voice That voice I have in my head. No, not like that. Just that inner voice that tells me that I'm not any good and will never accomplish anything and that I am stupid. That voice. How do I get rid of it? I have this compelling need to write. To put down thoughts and ideas, memories and dreams and things I don't even know what to call them or where they come from. And when I do write them down - somewhere, anywhere - it feels good. I feel complete somehow and fulfilled. I think, after I read it over, "Hey, yeah. That sounds good. That says it exactly." But that voice.... it stops me from even beginning to write. It stops me before I even try to write anything down. It is a loud, obnoxious voice and it overwhelms me usually. I guess because I am so fragile when it comes to writing. It is such an intimate process for me. It IS me. I feel vulnerable and insecure right before I put words down. And that is when it begins its cruel whisper. "You shouldn't waste your time writing. It's crap when you do." "Who are you to think you can write anything?" "Nothing you have to say has not been said before." and so on eroding my little voice - my giant need to write. And so I usually don't anymore. Even though I want to. I want to desperately. I have things come up I scribble on bits of paper. It's my way of sneaking around the voice. My little notes are short. It doesn't get a chance to gear up with the barbs and hate. I guess that's why I lean toward poetry. Short poetry. That voice. I wish I knew how to silence it. 8:21 p.m. - 2008-07-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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