metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ennui go... I haven't written in awhile. Not just here but everywhere. It�s a dearth of words here, and I don't know why. Post traumatic stress disorder or something, a certain ennui. I know it all started in July. I feel like my muse just packed up all his shit and moved out without a word, leaving nothing in his wake but a piece of greasy waxed paper left over from a pastrami sandwich, oh and maybe a half eaten pickle. So, thanks for that. Where did he go, and how long will he be gone or (gasp) will he ever come back? Oh, I get short postcards from time to time, or maybe a small, eensy voicemail, but nothing of substance. Oh how I miss him. My muse, my muse � come back to me. It�s not that I am not doing things. Oh, I am doing things. In fact, things are swimming along here, cleaning out and sprucing up. Excited about getting the computer/workout room back in order. And yet, I have a pervading sense of ennui... it makes me feel restless and reckless. There is a phrase in a Steely Dan song - I think it goes, "My back to the wall, a victim of laughing chance; this is for me the essence of true romance..." and I relate to that phrase. I never feel "right" if everything is going smoothly - I feel more alive if I'm right on the edge. I like it there, it heightens my senses. It also engenders self destruction, so there is a small down side, I suppose. I guess what I mean is everything is just fine here and I know I'll be looking for some mischief to get into real soon if something doesn't happen. And, dammit, I want my muse back. Petulance doesn�t work with him, however. I guess I will just treasure each crappy crumb he throws my way and pray he returns to embrace me and fill me with words, that is if I can keep myself honest. K bought me an ipod nano. I just got it all charged up and will be putting my music on it. This is going to be fun - I love all kinds of music, jazz, classical, electronica, some rap, pop, reggae, bluegrass, even a few disco songs, I just love music, period. Maybe he is feeling the ennui, too. He always shops when he gets bored. I hope to God he doesn�t go car shopping�. 11:15 a.m. - 2006-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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