metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Introspection and a new dog Why do we fear introspection? We treat it as though it were a place separate from us; separate from the �who� we are, when it is as much a part of us as our ears or our nose. It is just as innocuous as those parts, as well, but we treat it with fear, trepidation, distrust, as though what we find there may not belong to us. �How did this get in here?! Get out!� I suppose the truth is we have some things inside there we just wish would go away, we don�t want to find them lying about, we would rather just pretend they are not there. The beauty of introspection is, once we do look inside, see the demons, have a conversation with them, or confrontation if they are particularly gnarly demons, we find they are quite manageable and not fearsome at all. We find a power there that belongs to us and is right at our disposal, easy to use and effective. It must be the fear of the unknown that we all have that keeps us from looking within, or as I said before the fear of the known � confronting what we know is there. I have been looking within quite a lot lately, making it a point, putting it at the top of my �to-do� list each day. Some days it is fulfilling, other days depressing, but as I press on (intrepid explorer that I am) I have the satisfaction of knowing what is there. Oh sure, some things I do not tackle, some things I do not confront; I leave them for another bout of introspection. I have no doubt they will be there waiting for me. But the things I have examined, poked at, pummeled and confronted have given me a better idea of who I am. It�s a good feeling, even though I may not be the person I want to be, I have a better understanding of the person I am and that is where the sense of accomplishment lies. I was sleeping on the couch last night (long story), quite deeply and peacefully when K wanders through the living room to the kitchen, muttering. He then went back into the bedroom and I went back to sleep. I don�t know how many minutes went by, because I was � uh � SLEEPING, but K wanders back through living room, turning on lights as he walks and muttering a little more loudly. I ignore him and he wanders back into bedroom. It could not have been much later when he comes out turning every light in the house on (it seemed like) and speaking in a loud normal voice meant to wake me says directly to me, �Smokie is on the roof again.� I hadn�t heard Smokie the cat on the roof. It usually wakes me up as I hear him galloping from one end of the house to the other. So I go out in the freezing, yes freezing � it was 29 degrees � cold in my pyjamas to try to get Smokie off the roof. I am standing there freezing in satin calling �Smokie, Smokie, Smokie� � nuthin. Smokie was not on the roof. K starts saying, �Come in, its cold.� I was so pissed at him at this point, besides I heard something whining very quietly and I was trying to hear it. I said, �Shut the fuck up� and it felt very good. What I wanted to say was � you wake me out of a sound sleep at fucking at midnight to get the fucking cat off the fucking roof and now you tell me to come in because it�s cold outside? Anyway he shut up and we realized it was the dog from across the street. It had been scratching at the garage door and that was what K heard. We have been holding steady at 5 dogs for about a year. But for the last 2 weeks, our neighbors dog began hanging around. He is a little Chihuahua, we called him Poco for the sake of social interaction. At first he just spent the daytime here, playing with our dogs. He began taking meals here a few days ago and for the last 3 nights he has been sleeping with the pack. I assume his petition for membership has been approved by the pack council or whatever dogs do to decide to let another in their ranks. K met the neighbor at the dump on Saturday and told him his dog had been hanging around. K told him we were calling him Poco. Neighbor said his name was Ray. [This will seem insignificant to anyone but me and perhaps one other person in this world. To us it will seem oddly amusing. So, while not living in my barn, exactly, Ray is sleeping in the garage. This makes me smile.] Ray would not come in, too frightened and wouldn�t go to K so I went out in my already frozen satin pj�s and picked him up and took him into the garage. So, I have a new dog. His name is Ray. 2:06 p.m. - 2006-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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