metanoia's Diaryland Diary

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Surrounded by Death

Is it cold in here? I'm freezing inside. My blood is ice water and it is churning through me and chilling me to the core. My core will never thaw.

This is a bleak time. My homeless nephew died last week; homeless no more. K's father died on Saturday, there will be no funeral or memorial. His alienated and abused children his only memorial; his legacy lives on in them. My heart died today; there will be no funeral. It lies in-state in my chest from this day forward, no longer beating, only a flutter to sustain a meager, minimal life. It has known fullness, perhaps it can survive on the memory.

Maybe it will heal. It is speaking to me now as I write, brilliant natterings about how maybe someday, blah blah blah. I will listen to her no more for awhile. She needs to lie down and sleep for a spell. I hope she gets the message that I am not listening and quiet down a bit.

I haven't gagged her, yet. She is only caged; rattling and railing against the iron bars - shouting and spitting - raging and wailing. My heart is in for a long "time out". It is for her own good....

Surrounded by death
my self I see
a whisper of breath
for eternity
clouded dark face
no will for regret
i continue to pace
its sheer parapet
with measured advance
a long steady stare
alone here by chance
with no heart to share

my misery is at the least most cruel
I am, at the end, a most lonely fool.

10:19 a.m. - 2006-02-13

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