metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bone Knowledge There are some things I know in my bones like when I am loved, and when I love in return. When I am lying to myself and when I choose to believe my own lies, which is more often than not. But if there were someone who could put me on the spot, who could make me �tell the truth� about it, I would always know when I was deluding myself. There is an old saying that goes something like, �you always believe your own lies because you know what you will believe and what you will not�. It is true for me that I am gullible when it comes to my own rationales and excuses. When I believe I have my �game face� on and am deceiving the world as to how I �really� feel about something, someone invariably says, �Are you OK?� How the fuck do they KNOW? I wonder. Could it be I am not as good at concealing it as I like to believe? More than likely, I am not. Also, most of my life experiences are not unique to me. The human condition is pretty universal. Other people grieve and jump with joy, other people run from responsibility and feel guilty about it. I can see their deception but I still believe they can not see mine. Again, this is one of my delusions I cling to. So, getting back to knowing something in your bones, I think if cornered everyone would �give it up� and get real, because they already know. They already KNOW. What do I know in my bones, today? I know that there are people I have met who are truly holy; standing next to them I feel their holiness and have no doubt there is a God who is powerful and engaging. I know that in trying to live a life without regrets, I missed opportunities and ended up with regrets anyway. I know in my bones that joys and regrets go hand in hand and the old gypsy blessing for a baby, �May your joy be great, and your sorrows run deep� is wiser than I could ever �intellectually� know. I know in my bones that all people are created equal, in that we all have a life to live as we choose within the confines of our existence, and that we all end up in the same place eventually. I know that I am not as self assured as I appear and, as a matter of fact, not self assured in the least. I know that I did not sleep more than 4 hours last night and I am still not tired or sleepy in the slightest way, and perhaps I have met my sleeping quota for my life and I shall never have to sleep again, living my life out awake and aware. I know that sometimes I border on the absurd; and other times I slip over the border and swim in the swill that is absurdity. I probably even swallow some of it�. 9:40 a.m. - 2005-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||