metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO, YOU listen to ME No, YOU listen to ME for a change. I have been so fucked up lately. Everything I think of doing, I do not do. I do not get up off my ass and do a god damned thing. I am a worthless tool of a person. I am beginning to enjoy it. I have not written in diary. I have not done anything. This morning I told K that I knew why people liked him more than me. They like him, not because he is nice (because he really isn't that politely nice) but because he is emotionally truthful. I, on the other hand, am very nice. But, I am not emotionally truthful. I am deceptive and full of shame. I recite my feelings as though I were narrating an event, not like it is something that touches me to my core. No emotion, just detached and precise. I come off as disingenuous. Fuck me. But, I AM politely nice, and genuinely like people and care about them. And fuck me, again, for poor me everybody likes K more than me when they should like ME more than HIM! What the fuck is that all about? I'm in the mood for a change. Or maybe change is being thrust upon me, as it is from time to time. Thrust upon me like a hot poker up the ass. A red hot, no, white hot flaming poker. I hate change. And yet, lately I have been craving it. I have been immobilized by this fucking sprained ankle. I just sit. And sit. And sit. Prop it up and sit. I think of things I want to do, but can not do a fucking thing. Who am I, anyway? Wah, wah, wah. Always crying and complaining about what is wrong with this or that. What am I doing to make it better? Anything? I have a mountain of things to do, and no motivation to do it. I installed Civilization III on my computer at work and have been playing it nonstop for about 3 weeks. My work is secondary to whether Caesar can beat the Egyptians into submission. There is something wrong with this picture. And I plunge further into depression because I am not doing anything and feeling guilty for playing the damn game, but not guilty enough to stop playing. By the way, I just won a "domination" victory over Cleopatra. Take that you fucking bitch, always sending your settlers over my god damned borders and putting cities where I was planning to put them. piss on you. So, I am going to uninstall it. So, I am going to do something, but I don't know what, but I am going to do it instead of only thinking about doing it. And, I am going to stop playing the game and do some work, except now, instead of working I am writing in my diary. heh. K has been on a diet and lost 8 pounds. I have not lost any. I hate him. Last night I made myself four pieces of french toast for dinner. Pffft! Yesterday was supposed to be my fasting day. So, I just fucked it all up. I had ice cream for lunch. As my mother is rolling over in her grave (except she is being held captive in her urn by my brother in Palm Springs so she can't really roll over, but I guess it's always figurative anyway, n'est ce pas?) because I am not getting any nutrients and just eating crap. So. Ice cream for lunch and french toast for dinner. So the fuck what. I went to choir practice last night. I was going to blow it off again, but I haven't been in so long and then last Sunday I went to church and didn't know the song and we all just sounded pitiful because I am the youngest person in the choir and I am 52 yrs old and there are only about 8 people in it and it just sounded crappy. I pretty much carry everyone and my voice is only OK. Nothing to write home about. I would say I digress, but I have no idea if there ever was a point with this entry. Ah, choir, just another area where I have been fucking up. And, I should really know the songs if I am going to get up and sing, hunh? Sometimes life is not the way you want it to be. Just take what you have and try to work with it. This is the advice I give others. Perhaps I should heed it, myself. 11:03 a.m. - 2004-03-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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