metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make up your own choices What if people we know and love could read our diaries and know it was us and be OK with everything we feel and say without getting their feelings hurt or trying to make things better for us or help us through our particular 'problems'. Wouldn't that be great? Of course, they couldn't do it. At least my family and friends could not. If they read how I felt about them or just caught me on a low day, oh the machinations that would ensue. Phone calls, strategies, plans to help me out of my funk - all these things would drive me deeper into my funk. I would have to finally put on a happy face and tell them everything is all right and thanks so much for helping and good night see ya later. That way I could settle in and enjoy my funk. I love how when I tell K about something I'm feeling, he immediately starts telling me why I shouldn't feel that way and then all of a sudden we are talking about his feelings and how my feeling made him feel this way or that way and I end up having to listen to his feeling when it was MY feeling I was trying to explain. gah. But I really don't love how that happens. I find it annoying. Last time I said, "Hey, this is about me and my feelings. Not you and yours!" He laughed. The bastard! Could it be he was aware of his rotten behavior all along and just wondered if I would ever say anything? More than likely. I'm slow like that. I think I'm slow because I take everything at face value. I deal with what is apparent. I guess I probably shouldn't do it that way... When I was a child, my brother used to hit me on the head. No really. Not hard or anything, just little taps on my head with his fingers. He called them "thicks". He would come up to me and say, "How many thicks do you want, one or two?" Well, I never wanted any, but I would dutifully choose one or two. Yes, sometimes I would choose two, thinking it might be a trick question. But it was no trick. When I would choose two, I would get two. On and on this went, until one day (I guess he was feeling magnanimous) he said, "Metanoia, did you ever think of saying, 'None'?" Boing! Duh! Sneh! Gupp! Why no, you asshole, I never thought to say that. But that moment was an epiphany for me. In more ways than just always saying NONE to the burning question, "How many thicks do you want, one or two?" I learned that the choices that are outlined for you by someone else are not the only choices that you can make. You can also make up your own choices and try them out. Cool. I wish I did more of that. 2:46 p.m. - 2003-10-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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