metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Precious Time My nephew called me last night. He was on his cell phone and I could hear every other word or so. It was not a very satisfying conversation. My brother, his father, died one year ago yesterday. I am sure he just wanted to talk and ease his pain. Unfortunately, it did not work out that way. I have my mother�s voice on tape. She died in 1987 at 77 years old. I have listened to it only once since then, keeping it in my desk like a frightening treasure. Part of me wants to hear her voice soothing, soothing. The other part knows that when I hear it, I realize she is dead and I will miss her all over again and hurt. So it sits, in my desk, waiting for me to listen, or not. This has been a draining year, since my brother, Dick�s death. It all seemed to unravel after that. Dick died. Jr. had bypass surgery. Elizabeth died. Rotten haircut. Vacation to and from the depths of hell, accompanied by 7 demons. Double mammogram because of some calcification noted on left breast. High blood pressure. High cholesterol. I am continuing the march, however. Just keeping on and doing things I know will bolster me, nurture me, sustain and strengthen me. I am doing better. Time will help. Doing for others will help. I got a good haircut and that helps. It seems trivial, but think about it. I see myself in the mirror each day, and if I look crappy because of my hair, I feel crappy and act crappy all day. Our outward impression of ourselves really does influence our inward impression of ourselves. And, vice, versa. It is a yin and yang sort of thing. They each influence and compliment each other. If one goes wrong, the other must compensate, and thus begins a downward spiral. There was a time when I was so very depressed. I did not want to bathe. The only thing that kept me going was my responsibility to my son. Finally, out of the depths, I resolved to �get better�. I resolved to keep on going and live life. My first order of business? I felt, actually actively felt, the wind on my face. That was when I knew I was coming out of it. I reconnected to the outside and it felt good just feeling. My conclusion? Change can come from within or without, but it must be embraced. One way is no better than the other, because the change itself is the point. Embrace change. Nature embraces change. When a tree is pruned, or a limb broken by a storm, new growth emerges and a vibrancy and vitality is apparent. Humans, even though we are part of nature, resist change. I have wasted much of my life resisting and denying change. What a waste of time. Precious time. 9:11 a.m. - 2003-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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