metanoia's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there a word for a dead dream? Is there a word for a dead dream? When a dream is no longer viable, or fueled by hope, what does it become? Does it implode like a star and become super heavy? I know dreams do not just disappear. I do not want this to become a litany of what I wanted to do and why it's somebody elses fault that I did not do it. That is not what I want, but it seems to come out that way, and maybe that is what I have to look at. Either way, I am compelled to continue. Cryptographer. This was a secret dream along the same time as my dream of being a spy. No one knew of these dreams. I did not share these. Spies do not readily share information. It's on a need to know basis. I knew I would never break under interrogation, but when I found out they might hurt my mom and dad, well, I knew I couldn't put them in jeopardy so I just walked away from this dream. I think I was about 9 at the time. A very grown up and unselfish decision, I think. I kept on with the cryptography. I loved codes. I did share this one later on and was told I could never make a living with cryptography. That one was foiled. I should never have shared that one.... I think I would have been very good at it. I am not going to burn this one. I think I will keep it as a hobby. I may just be a hobby cryptographer. I loved money and wanted to be a banker. I don't remember anyone telling me I COULDN'T do this. But I was certainly not encouraged. I don't think any of my family thought this to be a practical ambition for a little girl in south central L.A. I did have a money bag and a little journal which I kept religiously if I took out 5 cents for candy, it was dutifully recorded. Banker = dead dream. Burn it. A shopkeeper. I was not discouraged from this one either. And I still like the idea of owning a little shop and selling stuff... I'm keeping this one. Fashion design. I would take paper dolls and design clothes for them, color them and cut them out. I came up with some GREAT designs. My mother was a seamstress. She greatly discouraged me from anything to do with sewing. She wanted me to grow up and marry a rich man and live happily ever after with nothing to do all day long but buff my nails and eat bon-bons. What the hell kind of a plan is that? I was so discouraged (in every sense of that word). I'm going to resurrect this fashion design dream and venture out with it and see where it takes me. Evidently, this one is not entirely dead, and that is a good sign for me to go with it a ways. If a dream is not easily killed, is that a sign that it begs to be pursued? I think yes. I think if it holds on through all these years and all the discouraging words, that it contains truth and must be respected and at least given a chance. Where do these things take me? Am I any closer to knowing how to define my present hopes, wants, dreams? I think I am, so I must be. Is there a name for discarded dreams? If so, what will I call my discarded dreams? Do true dreams really die? Maybe if they are truly dreams, they are resilient and last through even the most discouraging words. The other stuff is just vague wanting and wondering. Whatever some of these things are, I do know they will no longer be baggage. They will no longer clutter my world. For whatever reason they were never realized or even fully dreamed, they will be gone, gone, gone. Leaving room for me to freely fill up with new dreams. I'm older now and if anyone diss's my new dreams I will say back the fuck off. That is what I will do. 11:21 a.m. - 2003-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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